<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Is This What It Feels Like? by TheAsexualofSpades</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443042">Is This What It Feels Like?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualofSpades/pseuds/TheAsexualofSpades'>TheAsexualofSpades</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Destruction, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, TIME TO FIX THAT, can be platonic or romantic you decide, i haven't projected onto patton nearly as much as i expected myself to</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:33:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,473</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443042</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualofSpades/pseuds/TheAsexualofSpades</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Look, it’s not that Patton doesn’t think taking care of yourself isn’t important, it’s just that…well, there are a lot of other things that are, you know, more important.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>DLAMP, LAMP - Relationship, Morality | Patton Sanders &amp; Everyone, Morality | Patton Sanders/Everyone, dlampr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>220</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Is This What It Feels Like?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>thanks for the prompt! I know it's a little short but I hope it's what you wanted!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><b>Prompt: </b>Ahhh ur hurt/comfort is so good, if u want could you maybe write Patton not taking not taking care of himself and Janus helping him out and staging an intervention?</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Look, it’s not that Patton doesn’t think taking care of yourself isn’t <em>important, </em>it’s just that…well, there are a lot of other things that are, you know, <em>more </em>important.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Like, he has to make breakfast for everyone. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! And they’ve talked about it; he likes doing it, the others like waking up to a good homemade meal every morning, so he has to do it. And that’s making it sound like such a chore, he <em>has </em>to do it, but Patton loves making breakfast for the others!</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Roman or Logan will help him most mornings. He’s not the earliest riser in the Mindscape so it isn’t uncommon for him to come downstairs to see either one of them in the kitchen. Logan always gets the coffee going first, glancing over his shoulder to say good morning and ask if Patton wants any. Normally the answer is no. But sometimes the answer is yes and Logan makes the <em>perfect </em>cup of coffee. Or when Roman is downstairs and there’s a mug of warm milk with just a dash of vanilla syrup waiting for him. And a Roman hug. Roman gives the <em>best </em>good morning hugs.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So no, making breakfast for the others isn’t a chore, Patton enjoys it! And it’s so nice to see everyone in the morning too.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">It’s just that…well, sometimes, when it’s grey and his room feels like it’s frozen in an old black-and-white picture, the thought of food makes his stomach turn, and moving feels like it’s going to take every single ounce of his energy and more. </p><p class="p3">But that’s only sometimes! And it normally goes away after a few minutes of walking around so it’s fine.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Or when he gets to spend time with everybody and go on the walks in the Imagination! Roman and Remus are really good at their jobs, okay, and it’s always a surprise to open the door and see what’s going on. The castles and the forests, and the streams and the <em>animals </em>that Patton can actually pet because Thomas’s allergies don’t perpetuate all the way to the Imagination so it’s all good! Even Logan can’t argue with that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Roman made this <em>beautiful </em>field of flowers the other day and they got to spend all afternoon out there. The sun wasn’t too warm, the breeze wasn’t too fast, and the flowers looked so pretty and perfect and there were so many <em>colors </em>and it was wonderful. Remus had the great idea a few hours in to make a thunderstorm and although Patton’s not the biggest fan of thunderstorms—they’re awful loud sometimes—it was truly magnificent.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">The sky has darkened to an almost bruised purple and the rain had been warm, so warm and it <em>smelled </em>so, so good. Big muddy puddles had formed and they’d been splattered with mud from jumping in by the time they tromped back to the Mindscape.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Times like that are <em>so </em>important for Patton so of <em>course </em>he’s not going to miss them!</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Even when he can’t see all the colors and the smile he puts on feels a little like it’s been attached to his face for him, he’s still going to go because the <em>joy </em>is real, it just…takes a little longer to get there.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Or when he has to take care of his kiddos.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">…they’re not perfect. They all <em>know </em>they’re not perfect. So there are…little hiccups.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">The world isn’t always the nicest place to be. Patton knows that. But…but it <em>could </em>be, so they have to do their part in helping <em>make </em>it a little kinder. So Patton tries to always make the choice to be kind, even when Thomas can’t.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Virgil, just because of who he is, is prone to being a little more scared than the others. So it’s okay for him to look to them for reassurance, they’ve said so. And Patton is always happy for Virgil to come and ask for help, or even if he notices he’s looking a little more jittery than normal which is…often. But then he gets to help Virgil and that’s wonderful.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Or Logan, who…struggles with reconciling his logical trait with the fact that he’s still a person under all that logic which means he’s got feelings. And he’s allowed to have them. So Patton can help with that! After all, feelings are part of his job, he wouldn’t be any good at it if he didn’t know what he was doing.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Or Roman, who’s still struggling with…a lot. <em>Whoo, </em>Roman’s still carrying some heavy loads that he doesn’t really know how to put down. And he bruises really really easily. Through no fault of his own! So Patton can take care of him a little more, patch him up, make him feel a little less like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">The others are newer. Patton’s still figuring out how to help them when they’re upset. Remus in particular, just because of…things, Patton’s not exactly sure that he’s always doing the right thing to help Remus, But he knows Remus wants to be listened to, so he listens. Even if sometimes he thinks that some of Remus’s ideas are…scary, he’ll still listen. Because Remus wants to be listened to.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus is…difficult. Patton’s never been very good at telling whether or not he’s lying. Whether or not <em>anyone’s </em>lying, really. Because, well…if you constantly assume the worst of everyone, that says more about you than it does about them, doesn’t it? It may be <em>safer </em>to not let yourself be kind, but…but that takes some of the joy out of life, doesn’t it? But Janus wants Thomas to be safe, so Patton talks with him about how to do that. That seems to help make him happy.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So yeah. There are things that are very, <em>very </em>important to Patton. And he’s happy to make sure he does whatever he needs to do to make those happen.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So it’s okay if sometimes he feels like he doesn’t have all the energy he needs to comfort one of his kiddos. Or when one of them knocks on his door in the middle of the night and he can’t keep his eyes open. They’re his <em>famILY, </em>of course he’s going to take care of them. They’re so important to him, they’re so important.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">He does get…a little frustrated with himself sometimes. Because he <em>knows </em>it’s not as easy as wham, bam, you’re all better, now you’ll never have issues ever again! Like, no, that’s not how this works. He <em>knows </em>that. So it’s to be expected that sometimes it’s a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of thing. Progress isn’t always linear.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So he <em>shouldn’t </em>be feeling a little frustrated when Virgil can’t get all his words out in coherent sentences and his brain won’t stop muttering that he should <em>know </em>this by now, why can’t they just have all the <em>words, </em>because that’s rude. Virgil needs help and so they’re going to help him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So he <em>shouldn’t </em>be upset when he has to reassure Logan of the same thing over and over and over again. Logan’s logical trait keeps him from being able to say that he has feelings so he can do his job, and it’s to be expected that he would seek that reassurance. So Patton should be <em>happy </em>to give him that reassurance.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So he <em>shouldn’t </em>be upset at Roman for always turning their conversations into things that he’s just realized are problems. Roman’s trust issues mean that Patton should be <em>grateful </em>that Roman’s comfortable enough to share this with him and that there should be things that Roman can feel comfortable coming to Patton about. Because Roman needs to talk about these things and hear that he’s okay so Patton should be able to do that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So he <em>shouldn’t </em>be scared of Remus’s ideas sometimes. Remus isn’t going to hurt them, not seriously, so he shouldn’t be afraid. Remus is a <em>person, </em>just like him, so he should be able to help like he does everyone else.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">After all, if most of these are Patton’s fault, he should be <em>more </em>than willing to help them, right?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Right.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">So.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">There are things that are more important than Patton taking care of himself. He can do that later.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">At least, that’s what he says to Janus when Janus confronts him about not taking care of himself.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“But it’s fine!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“<em>Yes,</em>” Janus drawls, raising an eyebrow, “I’m sure everything is just absolutely fine with everything you’ve just told me.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Well, good!” Patton flashes him a smile and turns away.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Wait, no, Patton—“ Janus reaches out and gently blocks Patton’s path— “that was sarcasm.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Oh.” Patton tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…what sarcasm is?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Oh, no, no, no, I know what that is. I just don’t understand what’s <em>wrong.</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“You’re running yourself into the ground, Patton,” Janus says quietly, “and it’s hurting you.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“But I’m fine!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Let me ask you a question.” Janus folds his arms. “When was the last time you did something for <em>yourself?</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Myself?” Patton tilts his head. “Oh! I helped Roman make breakfast this morning.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“That’s something for <em>us, </em>or at the very least something for Roman.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…I guess. Um, I went for a walk with Logan yesterday. Have you been to Remus’s new cave system yet? They have these really cool—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I’ve been,” Janus interrupts gently, “and did Logan ask you on that walk?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…well, yeah.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“So that was for Logan.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Patton grumbles. “What are you <em>asking </em>me, then?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I’m asking when the last time you did something for <em>you </em>was.<em>”</em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“But those’re all also for me!” Patton wrings his hands in frustration. “I—I <em>like </em>spending time with them! I like helping them! Why can’t that also be for me?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus raises an eyebrow. “So it never feels like a chore? Or like you don’t have enough energy to do it the way you want to?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Patton’s mouth snaps shut. It—it shouldn’t. This is his<em> famILY. </em>They shouldn’t—it should not be a problem to help them. O-or spend time with them. It shouldn’t. It <em>shouldn’t. </em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus nods solemnly. “That’s what I thought.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“But that doesn’t matter,” Patton blurts, “it <em>doesn’t. </em>I don’t care if it sometimes feels like I can’t. I <em>can, </em>so I will.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should,” Janus says quietly, taking a step closer. “If it’s hurting you, Patton, you have to address that first.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“But I—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“If one of the others were doing this,” Janus says instead, “would you be reacting the same way?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Oh.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Patton hangs his head. “…no.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“So you don’t have to be so hard on yourself.” A gentle hand cups his chin and lifts his gaze. “What’s making you feel so bad right now?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I—I just—this is my <em>job,</em>” Patton mumbles, “and if I can’t do it, if I can’t fix what I did—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus cuts him off with a frown. “What did you do?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I—well,” Patton stutters, “surely you—you’ve realized that—well, one of the reasons that Thomas—that everyone is—um—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus’s eyes widen. “Oh, Patton, tell me you’re not blaming yourself for every single problem in the Mindscape.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…do you want me to lie?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Several expressions flicker across Janus’s face at once. “No, Patton,” he settles on eventually, “you don’t have to lie.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Patton shuffles uncomfortably. Janus seems to pick up on his discomfort—not that a lot gets past Janus—and cups Patton’s face in another hand.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Patton.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">He looks up.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I’m not angry with you,” Janus says gently, “and I’m not trying to tell you that your feelings are wrong.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Y-you’re not?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“No, Patton, I’m not.” Janus’s thumb strokes over his cheek. “I’m worried that you’re going to burn yourself out.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“How do I…not do that?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Well, when was the last time you did something for yourself?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I think we just established that I don’t know how to do that.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus smiles a little sadly. “You can let us help you too, Patton.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…I’m not sure I know how to do that either.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">In response, Janus leans back and shouts: “<em>don’t </em>get over here!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“What the fuck do <em>you </em>want?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Janus? Is everything alright?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“What’s going on?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Then, of course, Remus just sinks straight in through the ceiling and drops to the floor.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Roman bustles down the stairs with Logan at his heels.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Why’d you call, is—“ his eyes widen when he sees Patton— “Sunshine? What’s wrong?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Patton, are you alright?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Wait, Pop Star’s upset?” Ah, there’s Virgil. “What’d you need?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“By all means,” Janus chuckles when the rest of them just about <em>swamp </em>Patton, “<em>do </em>knock him over before he has a chance to answer any questions.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Right,” Logan says, pulling Roman and Virgil away, “let’s do that f—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Remus tackles Patton onto the couch.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…or we can do that.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Remus makes himself comfortable, wrapping his arms tightly around Patton and purring contentedly.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I’m not hurting you,” he mutters too quiet for the others to hear, “am I?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“…no, no you’re good.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“This okay?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Yeah.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“You <em>sure?</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Remus is solid and warm and—and—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Remus!” Roman rushes forward when Patton bursts into tears. “Oh, goodness, sunshine, are you—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“N-no, no, this—this is—I—“</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Virgil tilts his head and smiles. “This might be just what the doctor ordered.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Roman huffs. “Well, then we can do better than <em>that.</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Oi!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Oh, please, you know how ill-suited that couch is.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Fine.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Remus tightens his grip on Patton and <em>rolls </em>off the couch, turning so Remus’s back hits something way softer than what the floor should be.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Remus,” he hears Logan scold.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“You alright, Pop Star?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Patton’s still sobbing desperately into Remus’s shoulder.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“So’re you all just going to stand around doing nothing or…?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">Janus gently reaches down to remove Patton’s glasses, turning the world into a colorful smudge.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“We should talk more about this when you can,” Logan murmurs, carding his hand through Patton’s hair, “but for now, just rest, alright? From what it looks like, you’ve been through a lot recently.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“I’ll say.” Roman tucks himself against Patton’s back. “You look <em>exhausted, </em>sunshine.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Less talk more cuddle.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“No objections here.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Close your eyes,” Janus murmurs, “and let <em>us </em>take care of you for once, hmm?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Is—is this what it f-feels like?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">“Yes,” Janus whispers as Remus tightens his grip on Patton’s waist, as Logan’s hands gently scratch across his scalp, as Roman presses warm and solid against his back, as Virgil puts on quiet music in the background, “this is what it feels like.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! Come yell at me on tumblr!</p><p>https://a-small-batch-of-dragons.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>